Problems in relationships? Here’s the Model that will help you solve them

It was a hot morning in the summer of 2018, in a coffee shop somewhere in Lisbon, where I used to work. A friend appeared at the door with a tough question.

"Sara, something is not right in my relationship. Aren't you a psychologist? Maybe you can give me an answer to my problem."

This was a fairly recurring theme at that time, I need to say. And I guess it still is.

People of various ages tend to reach out to me for relationship advice, having the idea that a psychologist is a scary person who reads minds and, at the same time, a savior who’s able to solve the trickiest problems in life. Sounds like a fair position to be in... So, I responded:

"Well, I'm not going to answer you as a psychologist, but as a friend. I believe that relationships are based on these 3 things: Communication, Honesty, and Trust. All 3 of them are dependent. If one fails, the whole relationship fails. However, if you feed them all, you can have a relationship for life. Which of these 3 things do you think is failing in yours?"

And just like that, while serving breakfast to my friend, the RELATIONSHIP MODEL was born.

Relationships are damn complicated, whether it's a love relationship, friendship, or professional partnership. They are complicated because everyone is different and communicates their emotions differently.

Some things in our behavior are experience-based, while others are universal and based on biology and genetics. And one of them is our need to feel safe.

We use our senses to better understand what is around us and categorize the things we can trust and the things we have to reject to be safe. We did this with fruits and plants thousands of years ago, as we needed to know what was edible and what had the potential to kill us. We still do it today in a more subtle way (or not!) with everything that looks strange, less familiar to us, or that we don't hold a lot of information yet.

TRUST is, therefore, one of the keys to our well-being, and it is no coincidence that it is a deal-breaker in case it is lacking in the relationship.

How could we ever feel safe with someone when we don't trust the person will contribute to our well-being? Trust is, again, one of the keys to a good relationship, and it is dependent on two others.

One of them is HONESTY, which is something that needs no great explanation. Our bodies understand before we do when someone is not being genuine, or in case they are hiding something from us. We may deny this, and try to avoid our first impressions, especially when we like the other person. But believe me, our bodies always know!

Besides this, Honesty is also related to how true we are to ourselves. If we are telling ourselves the truth or somehow lying to avoid discomfort.

Then, the third big variable is COMMUNICATION (verbal or non-verbal). Communication is a relationships' catalyst. It increases the potential of growth or disruption depending on the way it is used.

Each person communicates differently based on their education, experiences, knowledge, and worldview. And for that reason, two people in a relationship can have quite divergent ways of seeing the world and communicating their emotions. And neither is more certain than the other, yet one may be more adaptive than the other. Either way, for a relationship to evolve and grow healthy, both communication styles have to be understood and balanced.

For the past few years, I thought the Relationship Model was pretty self-explanatory. Simple, yet complete. Until I realized that I was missing the "glue" that binds these 3 variables together. I was missing something mentioned in Brené Brown's amazing work.

 I was missing the keyword: Vulnerability.

The 3 variables I mentioned above can only be nurtured, and the relationship can only thrive in the presence of Vulnerability.

And being vulnerable is not synonymous with weakness, crying, or inferiority.

Being vulnerable is to admit that we are having a bad day, acknowledge that we made a mistake and we're wrong, and move forward beyond fear and doubt. Being vulnerable is being resilient and brave.

And that's what every relationship needs. They need vulnerable people who are willing to share, listen, and communicate honestly, even knowing that sometimes it can also bring pain or discomfort. But they know it's just temporary and that the outcomes will surpass the effort. 

Not all relationships are meant to thrive, for any number of reasons, but that should never be the goal either. The goal is to surround ourselves with people who let us live our truth and help us grow.

As, above all, the power of every relationship is to help us thrive, not to inhibit.

This Model is not a miracle pill that makes all the issues go away after ingestion. Instead, it is a guide for our relationships because it helps us to situate ourselves and understand what points can be improved.

The easiest part is identifying that a relationship is not going well, but isolating the problem and defining clear actions can be extremely difficult. So, if you ever struggled with a question related to an issue with one of your relationships, think twice now using this Model and define a solution with your second half, friend, or colleague. The first step should always be an honest conversation. Or, in case you are like my friend:

"Okay, so now what do you want to do with this information?" I asked her back in 2018.

"Now I guess I need to think about it, but first, can you bring me a slice of my favorite pie, please?"