How perception can change and shape your happiness

Let me start by telling you two stories.

Story 1:

I was once with two friends doing some grocery at a local supermarket. While we were waiting in line, two persons were talking in front of us, whispering and laughing and sometimes looking at us. My two friends, faced with that situation we were experiencing, had two curious reactions.

Let's simply call my friends person A and person B.

Person A, visibly annoyed and uncomfortable, came up to me and said: "Have you seen those stupid persons making fun of us? If one of them looks at us again and laughs, I swear I'll go there and talk to them. That is really rude".

On the other hand, person B was calm and said: " I think they're just talking and laughing at something about them. Don't bother with it. "

If I ask you which reaction you think is the most “common” when facing with this situation, you'd probably answer “person A”. And yet, when we think about which is the most beneficial reaction, you'd tend to think about person B. As it also seems to be the most adaptive and logical response.

Both of my friends had the same external stimulus, however, they coped and dealt with very different approaches.

Story 2:

When I was finishing my master's degree, I was working six days a week in a coffee shop, giving counselling sessions two mornings per week, writing a report about those sessions, writing my thesis, and in addition, I was also involved in some entrepreneurial projects. It was tough, and I had almost no time to rest.

One day I was on my way to the university when I ran into a colleague of mine.

"How are you doing?" – I asked.

She said that she was so tired and almost had no time to rest. She couldn't sleep and was not sure if she could deliver her thesis on time. I felt sorry for her.

It was just until I asked her: "Are you working and doing other things too? Work takes up a lot of time. Sometimes it's difficult to manage everything."

"No, I'm not.” She responded, “I am just writing my thesis right now, but it takes so much from me."

I was surprised by her answer, and I must say I felt a lack of respect too.

Here she was, in my perception, throwing out a lot of drama about her "easy" situation when I was drowning in tasks. Even though she was aware of my severe multitasking situation, she kept talking about herself and how difficult her situation was.

So, what did I have that she didn't at that moment? The answer is… absolutely nothing. We were just two persons with different types of emotional regulation and interpretation to the events, and me feeling a lack of respect was just because I was comparing myself with her.

By analysing these two different stories, they led me to one big question.

Facing the same stimulus, why is it that some people don't feel as hurt as we do? Or even the opposite sometimes

Different interpretations. Different perceptions

What you can take from these stories is how our life's course can be influenced by just one particular aspect - perception.

Perception is developed and influenced through our past experiences, personality, education, culture, physiological characteristics, among others. That’s what defines your position and interpretation of a stimulus and/or external events. Also, that’s why perception is so important and sensitive because it can be easily manipulated.

One of the most common examples of perception differences is racism. It tells us how a simple perception of one’s skin colour could generate negative feelings and discriminatory actions without necessary having a reason for it.

The disparity between the perception of different people tells us that external stimulus/events itself are not the problem. The way we perceive it is.

So again, what does influence perception?

• The environment around you (culture, education, values, society)

• Yourself (self-awareness, emotional intelligence, physiological characteristics…)

How can we change our perceptions even to a more adaptive one?

The answers are self-knowledge and critical thinking.

They sound ordinary, concepts that everyone knows and reads about all the time, concepts where everyone thinks they rule the topic.

But having self-knowledge and critical thinking is not something that you read, study, achieve, and it's done. It takes a lifetime of work to accomplish.

Being aware of our own behaviours, thoughts, and critically judging them, is how we better manage problems and get through bad experiences. However, acknowledging: "When I see people laughing while looking at me, I get angry" - is not the end of the journey for your self-knowledge.

It's just the beginning!

Now you need to ask yourself why do you feel this way. Is there any way to reduce your anger? Is that anger affecting other people's lives? Is this anger changing your own life for the worst? How many interpretations are you making when facing some situation?

When we understand why we react in some way after some type of stimulus, we are in control. By understanding ourselves, we can better accept the way we are, and adjust our actions to act in a better way for ourselves and society as a whole.

In general, this helps you to be a better person and citizen.

Here, you have two paths you can go down:

1.   The most common one, you decide to improve something about yourself because you want to be seen by others in a better light. This can be useful in the short-term, but it will not help you during your life's course. Why is that? Because you can't control everyone's perception. You can be the nicest person on Earth, yet there will be some people who will still see you as arrogant. In conclusion, don't put too much of your energy here. Let others handle their own perceptions of you.

2.   Alternatively, you can decide to improve something about yourself, because you want to be better for you by acting and thinking more adaptively. This approach will bring more self-knowledge, perception, and inner peace in addition to affecting others. If you do this for you, it will last, and you'll be at peace with you. Psychotherapy can be very useful in this process, as psychologists can help you understand who you are, and get you to know better of your perceptions so that you can actively work on them when necessary.

Just remember one thing. There is no such thing as a perfect person. Perfection itself is the balance between the two extremes of a characteristic which can be adapted according to the environment and people around you.

So, as you can see, we all have a lot of improvements to make. And as Adam Grant once said: “By admitting your inadequacies, you show that you're self-aware enough to know your areas for improvement - and secure enough to be open about them.”